[Editor’s Note: This article is a little different from those we usually publish in the Newsletter. I’m interested in your thoughts: is something like this appropriate for the Newsletter? Is it useful in dealing with/understanding our relationships with faculty? With our co-workers? Email me at leah.sandwell-weiss@law.arizona.edu with your comments, and if we get some good ones, I’ll follow up in the Fall issue.]
Love is accepting and encouraging others. Too many of us think we are especially wonderful lovers because we love others
the way we would like to be loved. Unconditional love is always expressed in the language of the receiver, not of the sender.
--Taylor Hartman, The Color Code 272 (1998).
The professional literature on Faculty Services typically looks at the databases, resources and organizational support for law professor scholarship. Informal discussions among Faculty Services librarians, however, tend to dwell on the relationship sides of librarian and law professor interactions, particularly the problematic ones. This article’s goal is to help you improve in your work relationships by looking at your (and your co-workers’ and law professors’) preferred way of receiving attention.
I also am motivated to share these concepts because so often we librarians see ourselves like firemen climbing a ladder to rescue a law professor cat stuck in a tree, while the law professors see themselves as guests at a nice restaurant (a.k.a. library) waiting to be served, pampered, and treated well (as noted in library user studies by consultant Joan Frye Williams, http://jfwilliams.com).
The concepts below are adapted from Gary Chapman, The Five Love Languages (1995), www.fivelovelanguages.com. This Christian author originally wrote to married couples and has expanded his work to include children, teenagers, and adults in roommate, working, and family relationships.
I'm going to use the terminology from Chapman’s books since I believe the readers of this article will understand I am advocating platonic relationships among co-workers despite the more intimate wording of “love” or “affection.” You can substitute “attention,” “interest,” or “preferred treatment style” for Chapman’s “love language.” In addition, keep in mind that someone preferring to receive attention in a particular way is only one part of a two-way relationship - you still need to set your boundaries and draw the line if others’ demands for attention violate your personal standards.
To begin with, what is the “language” you most readily accept & receive love and attention from others? That is, what ways do you perceive another person cares about you? Gary Chapman suggests there are five main styles of receiving/understanding love:
These ways of giving and receiving affection are often looked at in the context of personal and family relationships. For example, a man may bring flowers and candy home on Valentine’s Day to his wife because he values gifts and small physical tokens of love. His wife might prefer that he tell her that she looks good and is doing well because words of affirmation mean love to her. Another example would be a father driving his son to ball practices and games since acts of service are his style of love, while the son would just like a hug or to sit next to his dad once in a while as physical touch and closeness are important to him. In both circumstances, the receiver may not perceive love being expressed since it is in a different language or form than the individual desires. If this continues for too long, the receiver's “love tank” may start to feel empty and wanting, despite the loving intent and efforts of those “giving” love.
In the law school setting, we are also serving people, although often in a less emotional-based way. Knowing how they want to be served may ease conflicts, improve their receptivity to our help, and speed up the flow of research requests.
It is useful to first look at what works for yourself, and see what languages of love or styles of expressing care and concern for others you follow. Do you know someone cares for you 1) when they spend time doing things with you, 2) when they sincerely compliment you, 3) when they pick out gifts that match you exactly, 4) when they do things for you, or 5) when they shake hands, pat your back, or in other ways communicate by touching?
It is common to have a primary love language, and also a secondary way of communicating emotional support. There are also “dialects” or variations on each of the main love languages. For example, a person who feels love by receiving gifts may also be visual, so giving him or her photographs will mean more than candy or chocolates (while someone else may prefer the exact opposite). Most people receive all five types of love, but prefer or assign greater value to particular forms.
In the Faculty Services context, here are some suggestions on recognizing the receiving styles of different law professors based on how they give attention:
If your style of giving attention is out of synch with the law professor you are working with, you may want to observe their giving style and then reciprocate. For example, if you personally like to receive gifts but your professor focuses on compliments, then increase your sincere verbal thanks to him or her. Many faculty services librarians enjoy acts of service (which is why we are drawn to this aspect of law librarianship), but could recognize that our law professors may simply not value the service as much as we do (or we think they should).
As law librarians seeking to facilitate the connecting bridge between people and information, the people aspect of the equation is vital. If your Faculty Services program is working well from a resource and organization standpoint, to further improve you may want to consider evaluating the relationship part of your work.